My
church is a tough place for a single woman.
Don’t
misunderstand – I love my church. It’s a
wonderful church. I love my fellow
brothers and sisters in Christ there.
They are sincere, God-fearing, Christ-exalting people who walk along
side me, encourage me, teach me, and even admonish me lovingly when I need
it. They are my spiritual family and I
feel so blessed to fellowship, worship, and live out my Christian life among
them.
But
my church is unusual. Well over half of
the members there are between the ages of 25 and 35, married, with multiple
children (averaging three kids per couple).
Take a look around on a typical Sunday and it appears that everyone has a
ring on the finger and a baby in the lap.
In fact, recently in our church of only 250 members, there were 22
babies born in one 14-month period. Next
to so many wives and mothers, who seem to be blossoming like delicate tulips in
a meadow, a ring-less, childless woman like me can feel like stinkweed growing
under a freeway overpass.
I
know, of course, that I’m not stinkweed.
I am a child of God, a daughter of the King. Along with my married sisters I have been
purchased with the blood of Christ, bought at great sacrifice from a doomed
existence under God’s wrath, saved and set apart to glorify God. But there are times when I feel trapped in
the ugly emotions that can sometimes accompany long-term singleness:
1.
Envy of those who
are married with children.
2.
Bitterness over not having
married.
3.
Despondency over being
single with few or no marriage prospects.
4.
Anger about the
unique trials I must endure as a single woman.
Entertaining
any of these feelings makes me vulnerable to attacks from Satan, the world, and
my own flesh. They also make me
completely ineffective in my Christian walk.
And they feel horrible. I don’t
like myself at all when I’m envious of others, bitter, despondent, or angry
over my singleness and I’m sure my fellow church members aren't edified by my company in those times either.
Have
you ever had these dark emotions as a single woman? If you have you know that they sometimes
sneak up on you without warning, like in the following scenarios:
Scenario 1: You’re talking to a friend, having a lively
conversation when suddenly, as she moves her hands in animated discussion, you
notice the wedding ring on her finger.
You are painfully aware that you’re still not married.
Scenario 2: You’re in a supermarket where you see a young
mother putting her adorable little girl in the front seat of a shopping
cart. You feel an intense longing for
children.
Scenario 3: Your church is going through a sermon series
on the Song of Solomon, celebrating God’s provision of sexual fulfillment and
intimacy in marriage. You feel utterly
alone and frustrated.
How
do you avoid feelings of sadness, envy, and bitterness when you see others
enjoying blessings you long for? How do
you keep from wallowing in self-pity as a reluctantly single woman in a very
married Christian world? What do you do when singleness gets you down?
Mind the Spirit
The
apostle Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, told the church in
Colossae to “set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on
earth” (Colossians 3:2). To the church
in Philippi, he said, “…whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is
just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there
is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these
things” (Philippians 4:8).
These
passages are not empty feel-good messages like “Don’t worry, be happy” or “Turn
that frown upside down.” They are not
just ethereal reminders about the power of positive thinking. How you continually think about your
singleness, what thoughts you allow to fill your head each day have a direct
affect on your spiritual health. Paul in
Romans 8:6 stated this plainly:
“For to set the
mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and
peace”
To bring out the meaning of this verse, I like to apply it to myself and
personalize it in this way:
For to set the
mind on the things Janice wants in life, all the things she feels she is
missing, all the earthly blessings she longs for like marriage and children is
death. But to set the mind on all the
things the Spirit wants to do with Janice, all the ways He wants to mold her
into the image of Christ as a single woman, all the ways He wants to use her to
edify and strengthen the church is life and peace.
Don't make bitterness over being single a daily meal.
Single
sisters, I have often found this to be true.
The more I focus on all the things I don’t have that everyone else seems
to have, the more I dwell on my lack of a husband and children, the more I dry
up spiritually. I find that I cannot
worship properly, cannot pray for others, and cannot fully enjoy fellowship with the
saints. I lose the joy of my salvation and I completely lose sight of my
purpose in Christ.
Furthermore,
my attitude, feelings, and thoughts affect not just me and not just others
around me, but they affect God. You
read that correctly: What you
dwell on, what dark feelings and emotions you allow to fester in your mind affect
the Holy Spirit who lives within you:
“And do not
grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of
redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be
put away from you, along with all malice.” – Ephesians 4:30-31
Knowing
that God is intimately aware of my thoughts and emotions regarding my
singleness encourages me to eschew thoughts of envy, bitterness, and despair.
Rejoice!
“Rejoice
in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice” (Philippians 4:4).
The
above statement by the apostle Paul is not a suggestion. The word “rejoice” here is a command. It is our job as Christians to rejoice in the
Lord at all times. This means that
rejoicing is not just something we do when everything is going the way we want
it to go. Instead we rejoice in the
Lord – we dwell on the riches and glory of the gospel, we remember Christ’s
sacrifice on our behalf, we consider how to stimulate our brothers and sisters
on to love and good deeds – as an intentional action.
“Count
it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,” (James 1:2).
James
is not joking when he says, “count it all joy”.
He is actually revealing a command, through the inspiration of the Holy
Spirit, to be joyful not in spite of trials, but because of them. If unwanted singleness for a long period of
time, or even for a lifetime, is our portion in this life we should face the unique trials and difficulties
of singleness with joy - not bitterness, anger, jealousy of others, or
hopelessness. Why would you do this, you
may be asking? James reveals why in the
next two verses,
“…for you know
that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect,
that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
If
your heart is set on the Spirit, as I mentioned before, you begin to desire
what the Spirit desires. And the Spirit
wants you and me to be steadfast in our faith, grounded in our dedication to
Christ, and perfect and complete in our sanctification. Singleness may well be God’s best way to get
us there and so, from that perspective, it is a cause for great joy.
Answer the
Critic
Don’t
allow sinful, angry, discontented thoughts to take up residence in your heart
and mind. The Scriptures tell us to “destroy
arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take
every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). To see how this works out practically, let’s
revisit the three scenarios that often cause trouble for singles, mention the
sinful thoughts that sometimes come up in our minds in these situations, and
show a proper biblical response to those thoughts.
Scenario 1: You’re talking to a friend, having a lively
conversation when suddenly, as she moves her hands in animated discussion, you
notice the wedding ring on her finger.
You are painfully aware that you’re still not married.
Sinful Thoughts: “See that ring on her
finger? Someone loves her and claims her
as his own. But no one loves you. No one has given you a ring.”
Holy Thoughts: “I don’t have a ring, but
that doesn’t mean I’m not dearly loved.
God sent His only Son to die for me so I could be His and live with Him
eternally. Even if I never receive a wedding
ring, I know that I am cherished, claimed, and loved by Him.”
(Ephesians 2:4-7, 1 Peter
1:3-4)
Scenario 2: You’re in a supermarket where you see a young
mother putting her adorable little girl in the front seat of a shopping
cart. You feel an intense longing for
children.
Sinful Thoughts: “See that cute little
child? You may never have one of
those. You may never know the joys of
motherhood. In short, you may never fully
be a woman.”
Holy Thoughts: “I am truly a woman because
God made me a woman. If I can’t indulge
my desire to care and nurture others by having my own children, then I will
nurture the poor and downtrodden. I will
care for the lost souls of this world and share the love and knowledge of
Christ with them. If I cannot bear
physical children, I will do my part to rear spiritual children by sharing the
gospel and discipling.”
(Matthew 28:19-20, 1
Thessalonians 2:7-8)
Scenario 3: Your church is going through a sermon series
on the Song of Solomon, celebrating God’s provision of sexual fulfillment and
intimacy in marriage. You feel utterly
alone and frustrated.
Sinful Thoughts: “God created sex and intimacy
for all these married Christians around you.
Not for you, though. You’re
doomed to a passionless life of sexual frustration. God dangles sex in front of you like a juicy
carrot and forbids you to take a bite.
God is cruel.”
Holy Thoughts: “God is not cruel. He created sex, a good and holy gift, but He
created me for more than just sex. I was
created to worship God and glorify Him. I
honor Him by keeping the marriage bed pure – either by being sexually faithful
to a future spouse or by abstaining from sex as a single woman, even if I never
marry. Though there are surely joys in
marital sex and intimacy, honoring God fulfills my ultimate purpose and gives
me the greatest joy.”
(1 Corinthians 6:12, John
6:25-35, 1 John 2:15-17)
Married
and single Christians work together to display Christ to the world
It’s Not US vs.
THEM
As
members of the visible body of Christ on Earth, I should not be jealous or
envious of my brothers and sisters in Christ who are married and have children
because, in the end, we are all on the same team. It is not ME vs. the Married Ones. It
is US vs. This Dark World. Marrieds and singles have different roles in
the body – married people have the task of displaying the relationship between
Christ and His church while the singles have the job of being pure and being devoted
to the Lord in body and spirit – but both singles and marrieds are working together to
display the image of Christ to our fallen society. Therefore, I should not seek to compete with
married Christians, desiring what they have and being angry or crestfallen when
I cannot obtain it. I should instead
work with them willingly and eagerly, encourage them, learn from them, pray for
their marriages and their families so that our united efforts will be pleasing
to God and a testimony to the world.
Copyright © 2013
Copyright © 2013
