Is Singleness Really a Gift? – Part 4

No, I can’t bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I…I can’t go on
These precious words keep me hanging on…

-          “You Can’t Hurry Love”, The Supremes

For some single women, the precious words of the Gift-of-Singleness doctrine gives them comfort, eases the pain of their singleness, keeps them “hanging on” as the above song lyrics state.  The thought that God, from ages past, has chosen them to be single forever gives them a sense of peace.  It seems to prove that they are single not because they don’t get out enough, or because they haven’t met the right guy, or because they should have moved to Chicago instead of Cincinnati, or because they need to lose 15 pounds, or because their church doesn’t have a singles group.  They are single because God doesn’t want them to marry.  It is He who has supernaturally thwarted all their attempts to be betrothed to a man.  He has bestowed on them the “gift of singleness”; a gift they don’t dare spurn or pray away for how could anyone reject a gift from the Lord Himself?  The Gift-of-Singleness (hereafter referred to as GoS) doctrine therefore explains away all the lonely nights, answers all the lingering questions, ties up all the loose ends.

I deliberately say “some” single women feel this way because I don’t know many in my circle of single Christian friends who do.  I personally have never found the GoS doctrine comforting.  On the contrary, I find it depressing, frustrating, and restricting.  And after the three previous posts in which I attempted to knock the stuffing out of the GoS doctrine, I am certain I look like the most carnal, wicked, reprobate, marriage-hungry, sex-obsessed, truth-hating sinner there is.  This doctrine sounds so holy and pious and it is supported and touted by so many respectable Christian leaders and speakers.  Many preachers bang the pulpit, admonishing singles to accept the gift, though I suspect they are secretly very thankful they weren’t assigned this “gift”.  Nevertheless, the GoS doctrine is a much-cherished teaching, in recent years becoming something of a sacred cow.  Those preaching it have the best of intentions:  To encourage singles.  To stand against it would seem to stand against unarguable truth.  Why disparage the GoS doctrine? 

If the GoS doctrine were biblical, if it was truly the message Paul was giving to the Corinthian church in his famous discourse in 1 Corinthians 7, I would be wrong to disparage it no matter what my personal feelings were regarding it.  But therein lays the biggest problem with the GoS doctrine:  More than being deeply discouraging and downright maddening, it is not true.  Not only that, it is a false doctrine that leads to more untrue and damaging doctrines that are built on top of its shaky premise.  That’s a bold statement, I know, but bear with me as I unfold the argument against the GoS doctrine.

Red Flags and Biblical Problems

There are aspects of the GoS doctrine that call to question its veracity.  For instance, if singleness and marriage are spiritual gifts assigned by God then, by logical conclusion, every person on the face of the earth has been assigned a spiritual gift because every person on earth is either single or married.  This is true of saints and sinners alike.  Furthermore, there is no indication in Scripture that God considers the marriages of sinners to be invalid.  So we must conclude then that sinners have been assigned spiritual gifts.  But this poses a problem biblically because we know from Scripture that spiritual gifts are given by the Holy Spirit for the building up of the church (Romans 12:3-8, 1 Corinthians 12:4-13, 1 Peter 4:10-11).  Sinners are not a part of the church nor are they given the gift of the Holy Spirit and, by extension, the spiritual gifts of the Spirit.  Therefore the state of being single or married cannot in itself be a spiritual gift. 

There are also interpretation problems with the GoS doctrine.  This teaching is derived from 1 Corinthians 7 but it is an isolated interpretation.  In other words, the teaching or doctrine cannot be found anyplace else in the Bible, which is a huge red flag.  Doctrines derived from the biblical text are usually corroborated in multiple passages and when they cannot be that is a good indication the doctrine may be errant.  Specifically if Paul is making the far-reaching statement in 1 Corinthians 7:7 that marriage and singleness are spiritual gifts why does he not include them in his listings of the spiritual gifts in Romans 12 or 1 Corinthians 12?  Why doesn’t Peter mention them in 1 Peter 4?  If God truly expects resident singles in every church why are there no specific guidelines and admonitions for singles in passages like Ephesians chapters 5-6, Colossians 3:18-25, or Titus 2?  Notice Paul’s instruction to women in Titus 2:3-5,

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

There is an underlying assumption in this passage that the older women will be married (or will have been married if they are now widows) and that the younger women will also be married.  And though it is true every woman does not have to marry to be right with God, Paul seems to assume here that the vast majority will be.  There are no specific instructions to older or younger single women who are perpetually single.

Lastly, the GoS doctrine is a relatively new doctrine, a Johnny-come-lately interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7:7.  It is not how this text has traditionally been understood through the annals of Christian history but has come up only in the last forty years or so to try to explain the recent explosion in singleness among adults.  As such it is an example of eisegesis of Scripture instead of the more correct and orthodox exegesis of Scripture.  Exegesis draws out the meaning of God’s Word taking into account historical and grammatical context.  Eisegesis ignores historical and grammatical context and instead imposes meaning, presuppositions, and an agenda into and onto the text itself.  Eisegesis has the effect of altering the author’s original meaning or intent and thus is considered an incorrect way to interpret the Bible. 

It is always better to approach God’s Word with the question, “What message is God revealing to me in this text?” rather than the question, “How can I prove what I believe to be true with God’s Word?”  The GoS doctrine makes the mistake of asking the second question.  It twists and contorts the text of 1 Corinthians 7 to make it explain the increase in singleness among Christians which is not at all the purpose Paul had in his letter to the Corinthians.

The Dangers of the “Gift of Singleness” Doctrine

Some of the most godly and Christ-exalting people I know believe in and promote the idea that singleness is a spiritual gift assigned by God, so I don’t find it easy or pleasant to label it a dangerous false doctrine that leads to more erroneous and damaging doctrines built upon its premise.  I know those are fightin’ words – I don’t take this stance lightly.  But having seen and personally felt the pain and injury the GoS doctrine inflicts, I feel I must address this.  The GoS doctrine is a peculiar belief.  It sounds so pious, godly, and noble.  When you take it in, it’s immediately palatable to the tongue, silky smooth when it first goes down, but jagged and razor sharp once it’s inside you.  It tears singles up.  A quick look at two false conclusions the GoS doctrine brings you to will reveal why.

 “God’s blessings are merit-based.”

Tagging along with the belief that singleness and marriage are gifts is the assumption that to get the gift of marriage single people must meet certain criteria in God’s eyes.  They must enjoy their singleness, see it as a gift from God, use it for His glory, desire nothing more than singleness, never complain, and on and on the list endlessly goes.  Married people are apparently married because they have pleased God in some way that the single person hasn’t and until the single person reaches some nebulous, undefined level of spiritual maturity and growth God will never assign them the gift of marriage, making God’s blessings of marriage merit-based.

You can imagine how frustrating this belief can be to singles.  Trying vainly to reach spiritual perfection before God so that He will bless you with marriage is impossible.  If it were possible for us to reach spiritual perfection, we wouldn’t need a Savior.  Furthermore this belief is contrary to Scripture.  God does not withhold marriage from anyone and it is His nature to pour blessings on the good as well as the evil (Matthew 5:44-45).   The fact that God-hating atheists, drug czars, and cruel despots are allowed to marry and enjoy the blessings of family is proof of that.  None of us can earn the right to be blessed by God and none of us deserves His blessings.  God blesses us purely on the basis of His kindness and graciousness.

“Your desire for marriage is a sin.”

When you start with the belief that God wants some people to be single and others to be married, it’s a short jump to believing that single people who continue to desire marriage are sinning because they are going against the will of God.  If God wants you to be single and that’s His desire for you then desiring the opposite of that is to desire what God doesn’t want….which is sin.

This is error of the most irritating kind, weighing singles down with guilt because they continue to desire something they cannot help but to desire.  No one has the liberty to take marriage, something that God created and established as holy and good, and turn it into a sin.  Furthermore there are no individualized sins, things that are sins for some people but not for others.  Hence if the desire for marriage is a sin for some then it is a sin for everyone.  There are no individualized sets of commandments for each individual.  Lying, adultery, and coveting are sins for everyone.  The Scriptures reveal that no one is forbidden from desiring, pursuing, and obtaining marriage which is why Paul could state confidently to singles in 1 Corinthians 7:28, “…if you do marry, you have not sinned.”

Want joy in your singleness?  Abandon the "Gift of Singleness" doctrine.

“But If Singleness Isn’t a Gift...…Then......Why.......”

The obvious question you may have at this point is if singleness is not a gift that God habitually assigns to a portion of the church population why are so many people singles these days?  Why can’t I get married even after appealing to the Lord continually in prayer and trying everything from matchmaking to singles groups to online dating to blackmailing? 

If realizing your singleness isn’t a gift leaves you despondent or confused, fear not.  There is a bright, shimmering light at the end of this tunnel.  God has His reasons for allowing singleness even in His beloved children who would greatly prefer marriage.  Knowing why God is allowing this in my life has helped me immensely in loving my singleness even though I would rather be married and I want to share that encouragement with you.  Look for the future post "Why Is It So Hard to Get Married These Days?!" to find out more.

Copyright © 2013   

Is Singleness Really a Gift? – Part 3

1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas, 6 billion people……and I’m still single.

The popular internet quote above always makes me chuckle but it also imaginatively describes my frustration with unrelenting singleness.  One year, after celebrating another depressing birthday, discovering another gray hair, and realizing I was facing yet another year as an unmarried woman, I decided to change my annual routine.  Instead of crying uncontrollably into my pillow screaming, “Why, Lord, why?!” I took a calm, logical assessment of my situation.   If there were 6 billion people in the world, I reasoned, then likely half of them were male (give or take a million here or there).  That meant there were approximately 3 billion males in the world.  Of those 3 billion males I estimated that half were of the age to marry.  That left me with 1.5 billion men.  Of those men, I didn’t think it far-fetched to assume that at least 65% were already married, leaving the other 35%, or 525,000,000 men, still unmarried.  Of those men, I conservatively guessed that 40% were over the age of 35.  That left me with a whopping 210,000,000 men!  Who said math wasn’t useful?

Next, I took an honest assessment of myself.  I’m no Miss America but I’m no lumbering troll either.  I feel attractive.  I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I have a beautiful smile and a very pleasant laugh.  I’m fun at parties, I can converse on an array of subjects, and I smell good.  To sum up, I don’t think it overly optimistic to expect that of the 210,000,000 marry-able men out there in the world at least 3 would enjoy having me as a wife.  Three potential husbands!  The thought was exhilarating!

I excitedly imagined who these three prospective mates were.  Maybe one was a German engineer named Gunter living in Berlin.  Perchance another was a Chinese police officer named Kai patrolling the bustling streets of Hong Kong.  And the third, perhaps, was a proud, sturdy Inuit named Nanuk hunting for game in the arctic seas.  Or possibly one was a businessman in New York, the second, a scientist in Los Angeles, and the third, an architect in Chicago.  Or maybe all 3 were living in the same trailer park in Topeka, Kansas.  Who knew where they were?

My point is this:  there is definitely not a shortage of men in the world.  Our world, composed of four oceans, three large seas, and seven continents is awash with men.  There are clearly plenty of husbands to go around – so what gives?  Why is it so hard to get married these days?!

Our planet is literally teeming with men.  Why is it so hard to find one to marry?

The Rocky Road to Marriage

The popular Rocky Road flavored ice cream, a delicious combination of rich chocolate ice cream, crunchy nuts, and sugary marshmallows (yes, I too will have to make an emergency trip to the supermarket after reading that sentence), was created in Oakland, California in 1929.  After the devastating Wall Street crash later that year that signaled the Great Depression, the ice cream was named “Rocky Road” to describe the state of things to come and to give people something to smile about during the inevitable dark times that would follow.  Pity there was not an ice cream flavor invented to indicate the difficult times ahead for marriage after 1929.  Judging by the state of things today, it might have been strawberry ice cream laced with rusty nails and broken glass shards named “Mangled Muddle.”

Never in the history of our country has the state of marriage been harder to accomplish.  Indeed, we live today in a society that is more hostile to marriage than any that preceded it.  Not only is marriage very difficult to maintain (the median length of marriages in the U.S. today is only 11 years) but it is also curiously difficult to obtain.   In Candice Watters’ book Get Married, quoting her former professor, she writes, “The culture we live in is anti-marriage.  So many of the customs and unwritten social rules that once helped to naturally bring young men and women together now seem to pull them apart.”¹  What does Watters’ mean by “customs” and “social rules”?  How is our society less favorable to marriage than previous ones?

In every culture, people-group, and nation that has inhabited the earth (including our own American culture many decades ago), marriage and family were seen as such important institutions – meeting the God-given needs of the marriage partners, presenting a safe place in which to rear children, and providing the building blocks of society – that their formation was never left up to chance or kismet.  There was simply too much at stake.  For this reason, marriage was built into cultural customs and traditions, woven into the very fabric of society.  Parents, extended family, even the community as a whole were often involved in the process of courtship, betrothal, and marriage.  The fact that weddings, even to this day, are always performed in front of witnesses, giving notice that the two persons at the altar are now bound in matrimony, indicates that marriage has always been more than just a private whim.  The reasons for marrying were also fairly standard and had more to do with societal expectations and duties than with personal fancies and dreams.  As long as a person qualified to be married, specifically if the person was an adult who was sane, free from communicable and deadly diseases, and was not currently married to anyone else, they had a very good chance of marrying.  Beyond these basic qualifications, people tended to marry within their age group, religious affiliation, and economic class which created strong, lifelong bonds.  Certainly, there were always those who had chosen a celibate lifestyle and the exceptional spinster or confirmed bachelor here and there.  For the most part, however, most who wanted to marry did marry because the path to marriage was clear, well-worn, and definite.

The path to marriage was once a clear road to success.....

....but now it is a tangled path of confusion often leading nowhere.  It is little wonder so many of us aren't marrying.

Not so today.  Though we may be tempted to applaud the freedom we have in our modern culture to date a seemingly unlimited number of mates without parental or community assent, this freedom has come at a very high price.  The price is relative ease in marrying.  Dating, which took the place of the more formal and intentional courtship of yesteryear, is much more recreational and noncommittal, engaged in for its own sake and often not a direct path to marriage.  When you add to this the Sexual Revolution of the late 1960s that separated sex from marriage, the Hollywood-inspired requirement to “fall head-over-heels in love” with the person you marry (and not, as people had done for centuries, grow to love the person through shared experiences over the years), the lack of discerning involvement from parents and family, and the general transience of our communities, you have a recipe for fewer weddings.  In as little as 50 years, our culture has turned the patterns and customs of approaching marriage upside down.  Virginity, once seen as a precious commodity and the rightful ticket to sexual fulfillment in marriage, is now, as expressed in the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, considered an unwanted joke.  And though we now have access to potentially hundreds of marriage prospects through online dating, there is seldom a meeting of the minds that leads to a walk down the aisle, making marriage a catch-as-catch-can affair.  The path to marriage, a once straight, obvious, and comfortingly predictable path, is now a series of incomplete highways, confusing road signs, blown-out bridges, and dead-ends.

Where is God in all of this, you may be asking?  Is He still on the throne and in control of what goes on?  Or has our society rendered His interference null?  Is God a distant Deity who has left us to our own devices to get married or is He a Dictator who has willed the increasing difficulty in getting married?  Those who believe all singleness, whether wanted or unwanted, is a gift of God assigned to some would say that God has willed this change in our society.  In the final post of this series, we will examine this idea further.

¹  Candice Watters, Get Married  (Chicago, Ill.: Moody Publishers, 2008), 16.

Copyright © 2012    

Is Singleness Really a Gift? - Part 2

For years, Jeremiah was my least favorite prophet.  You’re probably thinking, “Why would anyone have a least favorite prophet and what did poor Jeremiah ever do to you?”  Jeremiah has, of course, done nothing to me.  He is, however, the quintessential poster child of the gift-of-singleness movement.  Because Jeremiah was ordered by God not to marry (Jer.16:2), he is held up to singles today as the reason why so many of us aren’t marrying.  All singles who cannot marry, according to many Christians, are simply modern-day Jeremiahs and Jeremitas.

If you’ve heard this explanation for your singleness before, you know that the comparisons don’t end with good old Jeremiah.  Family, friends, and pastors often bring up the apostle Paul, John the Baptist, Nehemiah, and even our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ as proof that God habitually decides that some will be single for a lifetime, despite their desires otherwise.  They feel it’s a normal part of God’s overall plan and you, Ms. Single, are destined to walk in the footsteps of the illustrious unhitched who’ve gone on before you – whether you like it or not.  Like Jeremiah, your fate is sealed.  Your singleness and childlessness have been written in the Lamb’s Book of Life and no amount of praying or pleading is going to change your status.  God has willed you to be single.

Like the prophet Jeremiah, has God willed me to be single?

If the singleness of Jeremiah, Paul, John the Baptist, Nehemiah and Jesus Christ seemed to kill your hopes for marriage and family, fear not.  There are perfectly good explanations for why these men were single.  Before we explore that, however, let’s take close look at 1 Corinthians 7 from which the gift-of singleness doctrine was derived.  Does Paul really state in that chapter that singleness and marriage are spiritual gifts assigned to each person by God?

“This” and “That”

It comes as a shock to many when I express my doubts about the gift-of-singleness doctrine.  “Of course, singleness and marriage are gifts!” they say.  “Paul clearly states that in First Corinthians 7:7.”  The verse in the NIV reads:

I wish all men were as I am.  But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

A careful reading of this verse reveals that Paul doesn’t mention singleness or marriage at all.  He writes that one person has “this gift” and the other person has “that”.  Paul does not specify what he means by “this” and “that”.¹  This may appear to be a minor quibble, but it’s extremely important because we are not the authors of this text.  The Author is God, through the inspired apostle Paul.  Therefore, since we are not the authors, we cannot assign whatever meaning we want to the words “this” and “that” in the text to prove whatever point we want to make.  To know what Paul means by the words “this” and “that”, we must pay close attention to two important details:  Authorial intent and context.

"This" and "That".....two small words that are the cause of much controversy in singleness theology.

What’s the Message?

What truth is God trying to teach us in First Corinthians 7?  To find that out, we need to go back to First Corinthians 6:12 because the thoughts Paul is expressing in First Corinthians 7 are a continuation of a subject begun in First Corinthians 6.  The book of First Corinthians is a letter written by Paul to a specific church with unique problems regarding sexual immorality and, indeed, it is sexual immorality that Paul is discussing from First Corinthians 6:12.  As with any letter, there is a continuous and logical flow and we can see that Paul is still discussing the problems of sexual immorality when we get to First Corinthians 7:1. 

Historical research (I know….nothing interesting ever starts with the words “historical research”, but stay with me here) informs us that sexual immorality was a major problem for the Corinthian church because the city of Corinth in the first century celebrated almost every form of sexual perversion.  Fornication, adultery, and homosexuality were not only rampant, but had even come to be considered a superior form of sexual expression over marital sex between husband and wife.  Even the idolatrous religious rituals in Corinth involved sex with temple prostitutes.  If that wasn’t enough, incest was being tolerated inside the church itself (it is revealed in First Corinthians 5 that a church member was having sexual relations with his father’s wife).  With all this going on, it is little wonder this church was in need of Paul’s guidance on matters of sex. 

Because sexual desire had been so misused and degraded in the Corinthian culture, Christians at Corinth began to believe that sexual desires and needs represented a threat to holiness and godliness.  In a sermon on First Corinthians 7:1-7, evangelical pastor John MacArthur explained how Christians in the Corinthian church had developed an incorrect disdain for sexual desire:

In the midst of all of this, some would suggest that the best way out is never to get married, just forget the whole thing. And they began to elevate that to the idea of celibacy, becoming a spiritually elite people. If you weren't married and you were single and you were celibate, you're sort of a spiritual super-person. You had denied yourself the flesh. You had laid aside all of those things and totally devoted yourself to Jesus Christ. And there was a prevailing view in the Corinthian church that celibacy was the highest form of Christian life, to never get married, to have no sexual relationship at all. And it got so bad that people were not only not getting married, but condemning the people who were married. And the people who were married were leaving their partners in order to be celibate so they could be more spiritual. And people who were married to an unbeliever were getting out fast because there was supposedly defilement in being married to an unbeliever and having a sexual relationship with an unbeliever. So, the Corinthian church had a lot of problems about marriage. ²

The intended message that the apostle Paul (and the ultimate Author, God) gave to the Corinthian church was that although it was honorable and good to live a celibate life and abstain from sexual relations (“It is good for a man not to marry” – 1 Cor. 7:1), this would cause problems for those who could not control their sexual desires, especially in an over-sexed culture like Corinth.  For those singles, Paul strongly advised marriage which is the only godly provision for dealing with the sex drive:

·         “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” – 1 Cor. 7:2

·         “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” – 1 Cor. 7:9

Paul’s message to the married Christians at Corinth was that though their desires to refrain from sexual relations and devote themselves to prayer were good, they should do so only “by mutual consent” and for a set period of time.  This was because the husband and wife had a marital duty to satisfy the needs of the other; they could not use their desire to devote themselves to the Lord as an excuse to avoid sexual relations with their spouse.  To deny their spouses sexual fulfillment was to make them vulnerable to temptation because of their “lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:3-5).

So Paul is giving advice to two sets of Christians in First Corinthians 7:1-7:  Single Christians who cannot control their sexual desires and, therefore, must marry and married Christians who should not deny sexual relations to their spouse and cause them to sin due to the inability to control their sexual desires.  Neither group, the singles or the married Christians, has the gift that Paul has:  Self control.  Self control, or the supernatural ability to live a celibate life without any concerns about sex, marriage, or children, is the spiritual gift Paul had, not the state of singleness. 

Did Anyone Have the Gift of Singleness in the Bible?

Now, let’s return to the prophet Jeremiah.

While we cannot deny that Jeremiah was a God-enforced single, we can see that as a prophet of God, Jeremiah was not your average Joe Israelite.  Prophets of old were God’s special spokesmen.  These prophets revealed God’s messages to his people and, according to Hebrews 1:1, God spoke through them in “various ways”, meaning both verbally and symbolically.  It is the symbolic nature of some of the messages of the prophets that explains why God ordered Jeremiah to remain single.  By forbidding Jeremiah to marry, God was not informing Christians today that he would regularly require some to be single.  Rather, he was telling the Israelites of Jeremiah’s day that the sons and daughters of their land would “die of deadly diseases” (Jeremiah 16:4), foretelling the terrible Babylonian exile that was upon them.  It’s worth noting, too, that Jeremiah is the only person in the Bible who was ever given a direct command from God not to marry.  That was a specific command to Jeremiah only, not a general command that applies to anyone else. 

God commanded other prophets to do similarly unusual acts to get his people’s attention and reveal a prophetic message:  Hosea was commanded to marry a prostitute to display God’s loyal love for Israel, despite her constant idolatry (Hos. 1:2-3); Isaiah was forced to walk around naked and barefoot for 3 years to denote the captivity of Egypt by the Assyrians (Isa. 20:1-5); and Ezekiel was commanded to eat food baked over burning cow manure to describe the desperate conditions of Israel’s upcoming Babylonian captivity (Ezek. 4:9-15).  Just as no one would suggest that these passages command us to wed prostitutes, become nudists, or load up the kitchen pantry with cow chips, no one should insist that Jeremiah’s singleness dooms some women to lifelong spinsterhood.  That idea is simply not biblical.

Isn’t it comforting to know that God hasn’t commanded us to remain single?  And doesn’t it feel good to love the prophet Jeremiah again?

Did Jesus Christ have the gift of singleness?

Paul’s Gift

     
Now that Jeremiah’s off the hook, let’s take a look at the apostle Paul.  Paul’s own letters, which fill up almost half of the New Testament, indicate that he was single not because God imposed the gift of singleness on him, but because he could freely choose to remain single – presumably because of his gift of not desiring sex as much as the average man and because he wanted to travel extensively in his ministry.  In fact, Paul makes it clear that he could have married if he’d wanted to, indicating that his decision to be single was a personal choice, not an act of God.  He says of himself and missionary partner Barnabas in I Corinthians 9:5, “Don’t we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the Lord’s brothers and Cephas?”

As for John the Baptist, it doesn’t take a seminary degree to figure out why he was single.  How could a man who wandered in the desert, eating locusts and wild honey, ever be able to marry and raise a family?  His lifestyle was not conducive to marriage.  Nevertheless, we see no evidence in the Scriptures that God commanded him to remain single.  Whether John the Baptist would have eventually married and settled down (after fulfilling his role of ushering in the ministry of Jesus), will never be known.  He was beheaded by Herod before he could make such a decision.  And what about Nehemiah, the unmarried Old Testament hero who led the rebuilding of Jerusalem?  He was a cup-bearer to the Persian king Artaxerxes and, therefore, very likely a eunuch, unfit for marriage.

Was Jesus commanded to remain single?  Was he given the gift of singleness?  We see no evidence of either in the Scriptures, but consider this dilemma:  How could Jesus Christ, who was God in the flesh, ever settle down, get married, have sex, and father children?  He had a very different purpose on this earth than the average man and the complications that would have arisen from such actions would have been numerous.  For instance, what would we call Jesus’ spouse?  The wife of God?  Would his children be half-God and half-human?  Please understand I’m not asking these questions to be irreverent, but to point out the inherent problems of comparing protracted singleness today to the singleness of Christ, the Savior of the world.  Jesus remained single during his time on Earth not because he had the gift of singleness, but because he was, and is, God.

So Why Am I Single?

If singleness is not a spiritual gift God is assigning to singles everywhere then why are so many women single?  Is singleness out of God’s control?  And why is it so hard to get married these days?! 

Look for the next post in this series, “Do I Have the Gift of Singleness? – Part 3”, for the answers to these questions.

¹ I am aware that some newer translations, such as the New Living Translation, replace “this” and “that” in I Corinthians 7:7 with “marriage” and “singleness”, but I believe they do this in error.  They do not derive that meaning from the original Greek text and are instead imposing a popular interpretation on the text itself.

² John MacArthur, “To Marry or Not to Marry,” http://www.gty.org/Resources/Sermons/1828_To-Marry-or-Not-to- Marry

  

Copyright © 2011

Is Singleness Really a Gift? – Part 1

“I wish all men were as I am.  But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.”       1 Corinthians 7:7

Lifelong singleness and childlessness was never the plan that I had for my life.  It was a fate I feared in my twenties, and even now, years later, I don’t find myself wanting it any more than I did then.  As I look around me, I find that I’m not alone in my disappointment.  Many other Christian women are bemoaning the same dashed hopes of marriage and motherhood.   But if you think prolonged singleness is just a phenomenon in the church, you’re mistaken.

In America today, more women than ever over the age of 30 have never married.  Only 49% of all adult women are currently married, making unmarried women (those never-married, divorced, and widowed) the majority among adult women for the first time in U.S. history.  We don’t need statistics, however, to see that marriage is becoming more and more difficult to attain.  Most of us can just take a look at dear old Mom. 

In my mother’s day, almost all women who wished to marry did marry.  My mother married my dad less than six months after the two were introduced by an older couple at the church they were both attending.  Before Dad came along, Mom turned down three marriage proposals by three other men.  I have lost count how many times friends and acquaintances have told me how much I look and sound like my mom, yet our similarities end abruptly when it comes to our marriage opportunities.  To be sure, in my mom’s day and even before, there was the occasional old maid – the quirky woman getting up in years that lived alone, owned fifteen cats, and frightened the neighborhood children.  Today, however, the once uncommon old maid has become the norm.  Why is it that a mere 40 years ago marriage was a simple, easy, choice-among-many-choices decision for Mom yet for me today it seems as likely as getting struck by lightning?

Old Maid.  Fun as a card game.  Terrifying as a lifestyle. 

A large, ever-growing number of single woman are asking that same question and many evangelical pastors, church leaders, and Christian speakers and writers believe they have the answer.  These evangelicals are not at all concerned that nearly half our country’s population is single and don’t see the necessity of a blog like Single, Unexpectedly.  According to them, singleness, even in the unprecedented levels it has reached today, is simply not a problem.  They are certain it is God’s plan.  They feel that the answer to the concerns of frustrated single women is found in one verse of the Bible, First Corinthians 7:7, which reads:

I wish all men were as I am.  But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

The popular interpretation of this verse, written by the unmarried apostle Paul to the Corinthian church, is that God assigns marriage and singleness as gifts.  Some people are assigned the gift of marriage by God and some people are assigned the gift of singleness.  It’s that simple.  According to this interpretation, there are millions of single Christian women in their 30s and 40s today because God has assigned them singleness and this singleness is a gift they should accept with gratefulness.  These evangelicals are certain the knowledge that singleness is a gift from God will sufficiently answer all the questions and concerns single women have, dry their tear-filled eyes, and eliminate any lingering desires they may have for marriage and motherhood.  The problem, they believe, is not singleness itself, but the way singleness is perceived.  If singleness were only touted as being a God-approved state, if it were only described by the church in the same positive terms that the apostle Paul used in the seventh chapter of First Corinthians, unmarried Christian women everywhere could joyfully accept their singleness and use it to glorify God.  Many Christian singles books are replete with this idea.  Here are examples from three different book excerpts:

We have each received a variety of gifts. First Corinthians 7:7 says that as a single woman, I have received the charisma of singleness. First Corinthians 12:4-10 lists other gifts that I may also receive. I may yet one day receive the gift of marriage....We are single today because God apportioned us this gift today. ¹

If you are single today, the portion assigned to you for today is singleness.  It is God’s gift.  Singleness ought not to be viewed as a problem, nor marriage as a right.  God in His Wisdom and love grants either as a gift. ²

I am not single by accident.  I am not single because the “right man” has never asked me to marry him.  I am not single because I have made up my mind not to marry.  Rather, I am single because God has chosen for me the gift of singleness. ³

The Christian leaders, speakers, and writers who preach the gift-of-singleness doctrine as described in the excerpts above do it with the noblest and best of intentions.  They don’t want single women to be discouraged by a continual inability to marry and have children.  They want to encourage them to use their singleness for the glory of God and for the edification of the church.  These are all commendable, godly objectives.  It is true God gives various gifts to believers for the building up of the church into the likeness of Christ (1 Corinthians 12, Romans 12:4-8, Ephesians 4:7-13).  It is also true that the Bible does not speak of marriage as a right, nor does it declare that marriage is a command.  And as for the belief that First Corinthians 7:7 proclaims singleness and marriage to be gifts meted out by God at His discretion – this certainly sounds biblical, holy, and pious.  And yet…

Having been brought into a relationship with God through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ, I have a strong desire to glorify God with every part of my life, including my singleness.  Yet, strangely, I have never, ever found the gift-of-singleness doctrine comforting or encouraging.  Quite the contrary: it rendered me heartbroken.  The thought that God had elected me to be single now (and possibly forever) and that presumably no amount of effort on my part or desperate petitions to the Lord could change my status until He decided to grant me the “gift of marriage” was crushing.   Did I just not have the proper perspective on singleness?  I definitely did not have a problem with anyone who chose to be single to give themselves wholly to the work of the Lord.  The apostle Paul was single and, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, hardily endorsed singleness because it afforded him undivided devotion to the Lord.  Many unmarried missionaries, like the humble and gracious Amy Carmichael, used their singleness to minister and evangelize, all in the name of the Lord. 

I must be honest........I really don't want this gift.

But even if Amy Carmichael rose from the grave and gave a speech saying that her life on earth was blissfully happy, completely satisfying, and outrageously fulfilling precisely because she never touched a man, it would have no effect on my desire for marriage.  I want to be a wife and mother.  I do not want to be single for life.  I don’t even want to want to be single for life.  I know that many have chosen singleness to glorify God.  I know that God approves of their choice and blesses their singleness.  I know that many singles have poured their lives out in admirable service and have spread the love and the knowledge of Christ all over the world.  Wonderful.  Bully for them.  But lifelong singleness is simply not for me.  It’s not that I don’t want to serve the Lord, but I do not want to do it as a lifelong celibate.  In fact, I cannot imagine deliberately choosing singleness. 

Is this because I’m too carnal and worldly?  Have I turned marriage into an idol?  Am I rebelling against the sovereign will of God?  Am I defying His plan for my life?  Am I choosing marriage over Jesus? 

Or is there something amiss with this gift-of-singleness teaching?  Does First Corinthians 7:7 truly teach that singleness is a spiritual gift that God assigns to certain individuals?  Has God really chosen singleness for me as a gift?

 Amy Carmichael definitely had "the gift".........but do I?

Look for future posts in this series titled “Do I Have the Gift of Singleness?”   What does God's Word have to say about our singleness today?  The answers may surprise you.

¹  Carolyn McCulley, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? (Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway Books, 2004), 29-30.

²  Elisabeth Elliot, Quest for Love (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Fleming H. Revell, 1996), 215.

³  Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Singled Out for Him (Buchanan, Mich.: Life Action Ministries, 1998), 9-10.

  

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