The
Proverbs 31 woman is all the rage in Christian circles these days. Amazon.com offers over 130 titles on the
Proverbs 31 woman – books detailing the ways you can become this lady of
timeless virtue and godly character. In
our world where biblical marriage and family have been increasingly devalued
and even mocked, the Proverbs 31 woman’s delight in hearth and home stands brilliantly
in stark contrast. As a result, she has
become the heroine of the evangelical world.
Today there are Proverbs 31 para-church ministries, Proverbs 31 seminars
and conferences, Proverbs 31 study Bibles, and Proverbs 31 devotionals. Her traits and attributes are the subject of
Sunday morning sermons and Christian talk shows around the country. Even the theme of this year’s ladies’ retreat
at my church was – you guessed it – the Proverbs 31 woman. King Lemuel’s mother could not have possibly
known how popular her description of a godly wife would be.
It
is little wonder that the passage in Proverbs 31:10-31 has become the focus of
so many Christian women. For what women
is there who does not desire to be “more precious than jewels” (verse 10)? Is there a woman alive who is not thrilled at
the thought of children who rise up and bless her or a husband who adores her,
praises her, and trusts her in his heart (verse 11, 28-29)? And is it not comforting to know that you can
laugh at the time to come because your future days are sure to be filled with
memories of a happy life well lived (verse 25)?
The Proverbs 31 woman seems to have it all. Through marriage and
motherhood she receives not only material blessings but spiritual ones as
well. The Proverbs 31 woman “fears the Lord”, as
verse 30 states. In other words, she lives
out her Christian faith within the framework of her role as wife and mother. Marriage and family are the setting in which
she displays her devotion to God and, as a wonderful consequence, experiences
joy, meaning, purpose, and satisfaction.
For
years, I have prayed for the blessings of marriage and motherhood but as time
goes on I realize something: I may never
be the Proverbs 31 woman. I am, by
default, the 1 Corinthians 7 woman and will likely always be. But who is the 1 Corinthians 7 woman? The evangelical world doesn’t seem to
know. There are no ministries, no
conventions, no seminars, or study Bibles devoted to her, no books or sermons
instructing us of her virtue or worth.
There are no long, detailed discourses about her in the Bible. As a result, my life as a 1 Corinthians 7 woman
looks lonely, silent, and empty. My future, bleak and undefined. What
role do I fill? How do I display my
faith in God? What is the setting in which I live out my Christian
life? Where do I find joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, purpose? If the Proverbs 31 woman is more precious
than jewels do I have any value? Do I
have any worth?
If the Proverbs 31 woman finds her joy, meaning, and worth in her role as wife and mother where does the 1 Corinthians 7 woman find hers?
Locating the Joy
in Christ
When
I have shared my concerns with fellow Christians they always confidently
declare, “Your identity is in Christ!
Your joy, satisfaction, and purpose is in Christ!” They point to 1 Corinthians 7:34 which reads
that the unmarried woman “is anxious about the things of the
Lord”.
When others tell you that your joy as a single woman
is in Christ do you feel……..dare I say it……...dejected by that statement? Does it depress you? Does it discourage you because you can’t
imagine that sitting around thinking about Christ will get you through the next
week, much less the rest of your life? It’s not hard to see where the married mother
finds her joy. Her life is filled with the warmth of
hugs and kisses from her husband, the smells of delicious family meals
simmering on the stove, the sights and sounds of children laughing and
playing. All the blessings in her world are so physical, tangible, and
touchable. In the meantime, the single
woman sits in a big, empty house talking to an invisible Jesus. I can’t imagine a more miserable existence.
Being told that my singleness gives me the
opportunity to be totally devoted to the Lord leaves me cold. I feel
guilty admitting that, but there it is. I’m
not excited about such a life. Why? It’s not that I don’t love the
Lord or truly appreciate his sacrifice on my behalf, I just don’t have any idea
what that means. What does it mean to be totally devoted to the
Lord? What activities does it entail? What kind of work does it
involve? Could the “things of the Lord” mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7:34 be
so enjoyable, so engaging, and so consuming that they replace marriage and
family? In short, can I face a possible
lifetime with no husband, children, or sex without throwing myself off a bridge
in despair?
Believe
it or not, I can! And so can you, single
Christian woman. The good news is that our joy really is in
Christ; this is a true statement filled with a lifetime of incredible delight,
meaning, purpose, and satisfaction for the unmarried woman.
Where
is the joy in Christ, you ask? It’s in
the church.
The church is the framework in which the single woman finds joy in Christ
Rediscovering
the Church
“The
church?!”
As
I write this post, I can already hear the objections, hisses, and boos from
some of you out there. “How can the
church possibly fill the huge, gaping hole in my life that I thought would be
filled with children and a husband?
Church potlucks? Prayer
meetings? Benevolence drives? Ladies’ fellowships? Missions fundraisers? Vacation Bible School? That’s not nearly enough! I can’t build my life around that – are you
nuts?!”
Do
you think the Apostle Paul was nuts? He
was so enthralled with the church that he recommended singleness over marriage
because it afforded more time and energy to Christ and the church. Paul’s ministry, even his very life, seemed
to be centered on the churches he planted and visited. He saw
the Corinthian church as his “beloved children” and himself as their “father in
Christ Jesus through the gospel” (1 Corinthians 4:14-15); he yearned for the
church in Philippi “with the affection of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:8); he declared
to be gentle among the Thessalonians “like a nursing mother taking care of her
own children” (1 Thessalonians 2:7).
Paul continually prayed for the church, pouring his heart and soul into
its health and maturity, rejoicing over its spiritual growth, agonizing when it
stumbled. But the church in Paul’s day was much
different than it is now. The first
century church was so energetic, stimulating, and counter-cultural that it “turned
the world upside down” (Acts 17:6). There was a remarkable closeness and
camaraderie among the members of the church that went beyond friendship and
family. It was composed of a diverse mix
of peoples – Gentiles and Jews, wealthy and poor, slaves and masters – but all
were “one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28), a reality of which the outside
world marveled.
Sadly,
in many ways, the church today is a far cry from that dynamic organism born
with power on the Day of Pentecost. It
is often little more than a variety of services to attend throughout the
week. But the real church, the church
Christ died for and purchased with his blood, is not nearly as mundane. The church is the body of Christ. Now, don’t just say, “I know, I know….” and
blow by that statement as if it’s a cliché.
It is in fact an unbelievably magnificent
reality. The word “body” there does not
refer to a group or a crowd of people like the definition you’d see in Webster’s
Dictionary. You see, Christ is no longer
in this world. After the resurrection, he ascended into heaven to
prepare a place for us, according to John chapter 14, and has been there ever
since. The church is Christ here
on Earth. As pastor and author John MacArthur puts it, the resurrected Christ in heaven is Body One and we the church are Body Two. In each individual member is
the promised Holy Spirit and collectively, with each individual member as a crucial
part of the whole, the church is charged with the awesome task of revealing
Christ’s nature and attributes to the world, proclaiming “the excellencies of
him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9).
Don't envy the Proverbs 31 woman. God has blessed her but He has plenty of joys, blessings, and purpose set aside for you, too, single woman.
Beyond Proverbs
31
It
is tempting as Christian singles to be envious of the Proverbs 31 woman. That's because in every woman – indeed, in every person – there is
a strong desire to know and to be known, to love and to be loved, to have a
reason for getting up every morning, and to be needed and fully utilized for
some great effort or cause. The
Proverbs 31 woman seems to have that in spades but the unmarried and childless 1
Corinthians 7 woman need not fear that her desires will go unfulfilled. What we must remember is that although the
passage in Proverbs 31:10-31 is a beautiful description of womanly godliness, worth, and purity it is Old Covenant thinking.
In the Old Covenant, or the Old Testament as it is more commonly
referred, God’s people were the Jews (Israelites) – the era of the church had
not begun. In the Jewish mind, the family was the
ultimate display of God’s favor and blessings.
Under
the New Covenant, however, we have now learned that the physical family is just
a foreshadowing of the REAL family which is the family of God, the church
family. The church family will continue on into eternity and it has
already begun. We don’t have to wait to get to heaven to enjoy the
blessings, joys, and purpose provided in the family of God today. This is
wonderful news if you are a single woman:
In the family of God you can use your spiritual gifts (those of helping,
showing mercy, exhorting, teaching, as well as others) to help edify and mature
the body of Christ. You can do the “one-anothers”
of Scripture (encouraging, bearing burdens, forgiving, loving, admonishing, and
there are many more) to other members of the church, being a vital part of its
transformation into the image of Christ.
The church is a sturdy, indestructible foundation upon which you can build your life; an intricate framework of roles and activities that you can immerse yourself in; a warm, familial setting in which you can display your faith; a comforting future that you can look forward to with anticipation. While the Christian wife has the privilege of praying for her husband, for his leadership and spiritual strength and integrity, the Christian single woman has the honor of praying for the leaders of her church, who need prayers, support, and encouragement just as desperately. While the Christian mother trains and teachers her natural children, the Christian single woman focuses on training and teaching spiritual children, those young in the faith, those needing exhortation, admonishment, and building up. As the married woman prays blessings for her physical family, the single woman prays that God will bless her spiritual family, to build the body up until it reflects Christ.
Dare to bloom where you are planted, single woman!
The church is a sturdy, indestructible foundation upon which you can build your life; an intricate framework of roles and activities that you can immerse yourself in; a warm, familial setting in which you can display your faith; a comforting future that you can look forward to with anticipation. While the Christian wife has the privilege of praying for her husband, for his leadership and spiritual strength and integrity, the Christian single woman has the honor of praying for the leaders of her church, who need prayers, support, and encouragement just as desperately. While the Christian mother trains and teachers her natural children, the Christian single woman focuses on training and teaching spiritual children, those young in the faith, those needing exhortation, admonishment, and building up. As the married woman prays blessings for her physical family, the single woman prays that God will bless her spiritual family, to build the body up until it reflects Christ.
The Christian woman’s
joy then is not solely wrapped up in the praises of an adoring husband or
appreciative children; it is the joy of being a part of God’s family, the
church. That is the much-needed viewpoint that singles can provide to the
church – that spiritual focus – because married people with families can easily
get bogged down in the joys and travails of the physical family forgetting that
they are a part of the family of God. The church then degenerates from
the bright shining city on a hill displaying the spiritual kingdom of God to a
religious social club for families, something God never intended. The church is
a spiritual family, not just a collection of physical families. Though a
husband and wife point to the relationship of Christ to his Church, singles
point to the reality that the church is a spiritual family lasting forever and the kingdom of
God has begun.
Single Christians are
in a unique position to devote their entire lives to Christ through their role
in the church and they have the unique incentive to see the church as a
spiritual family, not just a place of worship, because it is their only family. This may very well be the reason God has
allowed many of us who long to be Proverbs 31 wives and mothers to be instead 1
Corinthians 7 single women. Our need for
the church to be truly what God intended, to provide a place for us to
display our faith, receive joy and meaning, and have purpose, will keep the
church from becoming complacent, ineffective, and routine.
John Piper and Alistair Begg, nationally-known pastors and teachers,
have both preached excellent sermons on singleness encouraging Christian singles
to not simply pine over the blessings of marriage but to live out the special
role God has given to them in the church.
I have included links to both sermons below at the end of this post.
Singleness in Christ.....even if it lasts for a lifetime....is not meaningless and empty.
But…….what about SEX?!
As you may recall, at
the beginning of this post, I asked the question “Can
I face a possible lifetime with no husband, children, or sex without throwing
myself off a bridge in despair?” and I have not even mentioned sex in this post. “Sure, Janice”, you may be thinking, “I can
find fulfillment of my desires for family, purpose, and meaning in the church,
but what about sex? What can I do about
those desires?”
I must admit that facing a possible lifetime devoid of any sexual enjoyment whatsoever seems dreadfully depressing at
times. Sex is the one area where there really is no alternative. I
can satisfy my longings for meaning, purpose, and connection in the church but
I can’t go around having sex with other church members. That is NOT okay
with God. So what about sex? How do I face a possible lifetime of
no sex without going completely crazy?
I think this is a very challenging topic deserving
special consideration so I am devoting an entire post to it. Look for the future post, “Can I Face a Lifetime of No Sex….Without Going Crazy?!” I pray
that it will be informative, inspiring, and encouraging to you as you navigate
the sometimes rocky waterways of long-term singleness.
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