In
her book Singled Out for Him, Nancy
Leigh DeMoss writes that there is “a
growing number of unmarried men and women in the church today who feel ‘sad and
alone’”. I can’t help but to wonder why
all these sad, lonely single men and women aren’t marrying each other.
Why is it so hard to get married these
days? In my Mom and Dad’s day practically
everyone married who wanted to marry, with just a few oddballs here and there
falling through the betrothal cracks. A
man with a strange affection for animal skull collecting or a woman with a fastidious
hair bun that matched her uptight personality would understandably be passed
over. But today it’s not so easy to
figure out why some people marry and others don’t. And, truth be told, it’s not hard for
everyone. For some people it appears easier
than falling off a log. For others it’s
a long, arduous journey full of false starts and dashed expectations before
finally reaching the much-anticipated destination of marriage.
Certainly times have changed since Mom and
Dad’s day. Generations before us saw
marriage as more of an adult obligation than the key to personal fulfillment
and happiness. As a result, they tended
to marry as soon as possible and within their own communities, searching not
for their kismet sole-mate or a Hollywood-inspired romantic ideal, but simply a
suitable marriage partner who shared their values. Not so in our times. Today, those hopeful for marriage often look
far and wide for the one person they feel will be their perfect match,
embodying a long list of subjective qualities and attributes. Add to this a much more mobile society, a less
biblical understanding of the purpose of marriage, escalating divorce rates
(even among Christians), and a widespread acceptance of sexual activity outside
of matrimony, and it’s not hard to figure out why marriage is more difficult to
attain these days. Even in this
environment, however, God is still forming marriages. The Lord continues to help Isaacs find their
eager Rebekahs and direct Ruths to their awaiting Boazs. But for a growing number of us it seems no
amount of effort and exertion, waiting and wishing, struggling and striving, praying
and pleading can get us there.
Does the Bible have anything to say about this
growing dilemma? Many believe it does in
First Corinthians chapter 7, the passage most applied to the unintentionally
single. But though this chapter in the
Bible is brimming with inspiring truths about the spiritual advantages of
singleness over marriage, it doesn’t explain why many of us find ourselves still
single in our 30s and 40s. The Apostle
Paul was not addressing Corinthian singles struggling to find mates, he was
clearing up confusion in the Corinthian church about whether singleness was a
holier state than marriage. So as true
and informative as this oft-quoted chapter is, it doesn’t provide much comfort
to me as a single longing to be married.
Back in the day, it was easy to tell why some people never married. Now, not so much.
Could it be that God is withholding marriage
from me for some reason? Does He want me
to trust Him more, or to mature spiritually, or to develop traits and habits
making me a more useful wife to a godly man?
In an effort to be helpful, some of my friends have suggested this and it’s
possible that’s exactly what God is doing.
But since God does not reveal these things to me directly I have no way
of knowing if that’s the reason. Furthermore,
there’s nothing in God’s Word that says only those who trust Him, or who are
spiritually mature, or who are the perfect embodiment of Proverbs 31 are
allowed to get married. Many have
married and continue to marry who don’t have any of these qualities. The spiritual giants, the spiritually juvenile……..God-fearing
Baptists, God-jeering atheists………the school teachers, the nightclub strippers……...the
Reformed, the Rastafarian…....all types, saints and sinners alike, regularly
marry, enjoy the pleasures of intimacy, have children, and form families. There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to
who gets married and who remains single.
And although I do want to please God by trusting Him more, growing more
mature spiritually, and becoming more Proverbs 31-ish, I don’t want to do these
things in an attempt to manipulate God into getting me married. Such a mindset would invite misery into my
Christian walk and besides, God cannot be manipulated into blessing anyone. He gives and He takes away as He wills (Job
1:21).
At this point, when I’m analyzing the whys and
whos and whens, and wheres of me and marriage, friends often say, “Just have
faith in God! God can find a spouse for
you! Nothing is too hard for God! Just believe!” And I do believe. I know without a doubt that our God is
perfectly capable of providing a husband.
In fact that knowledge makes my state more painful, because, even though
I know God is able, I still find myself single…….year, after year, after frustrating
year. Yet I have personally seen God
answer the matrimonial prayers of others.
I have witnessed Him drawing men and women together in such a way that
His hand in the matter can’t be denied. And
when you stop to think about it, it’s really something of a miracle when two
people from two completely different backgrounds, meet each other at a time when
they are both conveniently unattached, fall in love, and agree to marry. It can’t be easily explained – there is
something beautifully supernatural about it.
Yes, even in our sinful society, which denigrates marriage, God is still
lovingly and graciously leading godly men and women to the altar. He is still as much the Matchmaker today as He
was when He brought Eve to Adam.
A spinster's dream.
But He hasn’t made a match for me. What about me? Why am I still single? Why have my prayers gone unanswered? Why has no ardent suitor ever said the words,
“I love you” to me? Why have I sailed
past my child-bearing years without having even one child of my own? Does God love me less than He loves others? Why does He answer their prayers and not
mine? Why does He bless others with
godly spouses but ignores me? Is He
trying to prove something to me? Is He
giving me some secret message? Is He
angry with me? Is He unaware how humiliating
it is to be a woman unwanted, undesired, un-pursued? Does God care about me? Is He even there?
I was asking myself these very questions one
morning during my commute to work – tears streaming down my face, snot
dribbling from my nose, throwing a full-scale, unrestrained pity party with me
as the guest of honor. Yeah, it was one
of those days. I happened to be
listening to a Christian radio station and right at that moment, at an oddly opportune
time, I heard Erwin Lutzer, pastor of Moody Church in Chicago, ask the
following questions over the airwaves:
“Where is God when
we really need Him, and how do we keep believing when He doesn’t seem to do
what all rational people would think a God should with all of His power? How do
we hang in?”
My ears perked up. I wiped my eyes, blew my nose, and listened
intently. Pastor Lutzer’s sermon titled “A
Faith That Endures” centered on Hebrews chapter 11, the well-known “heroes of
faith” passage. Although I have read
Hebrews 11 many times, Lutzer pointed out something in that chapter I hadn’t previously
noticed. I have always focused on the
verses at the beginning which lists all the spectacular occurrences and
marvelous blessings people received from God through faith –
“And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson,
Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets — who through
faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the
mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword,
were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign
armies to flight. Women received back
their dead by resurrection.” – Hebrews 11:32-35a
Pretty amazing stuff, huh? Those are the words that frequently come to
mind when I think of Hebrews 11. I
always brush over the second half of verse 35 to verse 38, which describe a
completely different experience for some of the heroes of faith –
“Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that
they might rise again to a better life. Others
suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they
were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats,
destitute, afflicted, mistreated — of whom the world was not
worthy—wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the
earth.” – Hebrews 11:35b-38
Not as cheerful a read, is it? And that was the first point in Lutzer’s
sermon: Sometimes faith changes our
circumstances and sometimes faith doesn’t change our circumstances. We see in Hebrews 11 that though many of the
heroes of faith (Abraham, Sarah, and Rahab, to name a few) saw blessings,
fulfilled promises, and deliverance as a result of their trust in God, many
others did not see positive circumstances at all. They were mistreated, beaten, some even
killed. They were, however, loved by God
and were also considered to be heroes of faith just like the others. This truth was Lutzer’s second point: Faith does not judge God by circumstances.
God is good and His love for us is
continual regardless of the circumstances of our individual lives. We see numerous examples in the Scriptures
that God does not treat His children the same and He has His reasons for doing
so – reasons that He often does not reveal.
Lutzer said the faith of the heroes of Hebrews 11 “endured no matter
what because faith isn’t simply receiving what we want. Faith is the ability to
accept whatever God gives us.”
Erwin Lutzer
Consider James and Peter in Acts 12. Herod the king was persecuting the members of
the church and he killed James with the sword.
Pleased with that action, Herod arrested Peter, intent on killing him as
well. The Lord rescued Peter, however,
causing Peter’s prison chains to miraculously fall off and the iron gate of the
city to open in front of him of its own accord. But why didn’t the Lord rescue James? We don’t really know except that the Lord’s
plans for James were different than His plans for Peter. Why was John the Baptist not spared the
horrible fate of being beheaded? He was
obviously pleasing to God (Luke 7:28). John the Baptist appears to have the same
question because while in prison he sends a message to Jesus asking, “Are you
the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?” It’s as if John was saying, “I’m on your side, Jesus, and I wasn’t
expecting this treatment.” Jesus
sends a message back to John: “The blind
receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear,
and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended by
me” (Matthew 11:1-6). That’s
Trinity-speak for: “Yes, John, I am the One. And
blessed are those who are not upset with the way I run my business.”
For reasons that He does not always reveal God
does not provide spouses for all of His children. He blesses some and He doesn’t bless others,
and we don’t always know why. None of us
can earn the blessings He gives us nor can we be offended when He chooses not
to bless us. But we can be certain that
we are all loved by Him and that all He does for us is for our ultimate good
and His glory, even if it’s painful to see others marrying around us as we
continue to be undesirably single. We are all heroes of faith – those of us who
receive the blessings and those of us who don’t.
It is critical that I remember this because this
is an area where Satan loves to torment me.
When I’m looking with envy at other Christians enjoying their spouses
and children, I can almost hear Satan cackling with laughter, pointing his
finger at me in utter contempt:
“God seems to have forgotten you, Janice. What good does it do you to have a God who
won’t even answer your prayers? Why have
a God who creates marriage and all its benefits, parades it in front of you,
but then denies it?”
But unlike Satan, I know God, intimately. I know Him because of His Son’s sacrifice on
my behalf, because of His Word, and because of His Spirit that dwells within
me. God is not my servant to do my
bidding, I am His to please Him. If my discomfort
and struggles in singleness bring Him glory, so be it. I can live with it. I have a faith that endures.
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