I
hate moving to a new city. And not just
because I have to get accustomed to an unfamiliar and confusing freeway
system. It’s because when I move to a
new city – once I find a place to live, get the electricity and cable
connected, get all my mail forwarded, and cautiously get to know all my new
neighbors – the day finally arrives when I must do the one thing I dread the
most. I must find a new gynecologist. And, boy, do I hate that first visit to a new
gynecologist because it always ends with a very awkward conversation.
After
the routine gynecological exam (which is an ordeal in and of itself), I see the
inevitable puzzled look on the doctor’s face as he asks, “Could I see you in my
office, please?”
Then
the questions begin.
Doctor: “So…….what’s going on here? Uh……….I mean……....um……….you’ve never had
sex?”
Me: “Nope.”
Doctor (stunned): “Are you ever going to have sex?”
Me: “I dunno.”
Doctor: “Uh……….…..”
This
exchange is usually followed by an eternity of uncomfortable silence. It’s so uncomfortable that I have recently
decided to completely change tactics and avoid this line of questioning
altogether. The next time this happens
I’ll just say I’m a Protestant nun. Or maybe
I’ll say I’m trying to win the Oldest Living Virgin Award. That’s much less humiliating than saying,
“I’m a total
loser who never managed to get married.
Could you do me a favor, Doc? The
next time you’re down there just fill it all in with cement because I don’t think
it’s ever going to get used.”
I
jest, of course, but this does reveal a prickly truth: There is a point in a woman’s life when
virginity is much less a badge of honor and much more an embarrassing
burden. Christian women are told to refrain
from sex until their wedding night so they can experience the immeasurable joy
of giving their virginity to their one and only husband. This good, godly advice sounds dreamily
exciting to a woman at age 21. While
increasingly difficult to follow, it still sounds reasonable at age 26. But as a woman remains single into her 30’s,
40’s, and beyond she often wonders, “What am I waiting for?!”
Because
no one else seems to be waiting. Our
society views sex as a thrill to be enjoyed by all. Married people are legitimately having sex, but
unmarried people are also having sex.
People on dates are having sex, cohabitants are having sex, teenagers
are having sex, truckers and prostitutes are having sex, nurses and doctors are
having sex, mechanics and plumbers are having sex, florists and bankers are
having sex, according to The Golden Girls, seniors are having sex, and screaming
cats are constantly doing it outside my bedroom window. Indeed, sometimes it seems the only living
beings on the planet who are not having sex are hermaphroditic flatworms,
people in comas, and me. Being in such
rare company can be frustrating at best, extremely depressing at worst. It can almost seem like I have never fully
grown up because I have never experienced this rite-of-passage that all grown-ups
experience – like I’m not fully an adult.
But
if I dig a little deeper, I know that’s not the real issue. The perception that everyone except me seems
to be enjoying sex is not really what’s getting to me.
It’s
the desires. The burning, smoldering,
persistent, crying-in-my-bed-all-night, pleading-with-God-to-just-kill-me-already,
continual desires for sexual fulfillment that have haunted me all my single
adult life. There is no end to them,
they don’t get easier with age, and since there appears to be no marriage
proposal looming over the horizon for me, there seems to be no solution to
them. And I can’t get them out of my
head. God made me a woman, and, just
like most women, I adore men. I love
their broad shoulders and their deep voices. I love the way they walk and the
cool, manly way they stand with their feet spread apart. I love the way they go, “Grrrrrrr!” when
they’re lifting something heavy. And I
desire so much to be with a man. To be
held by him, cuddled by him, kissed by him, and loved, loved, loved. Physically, emotionally, in every way. It is the longing of my heart, I want it so
badly, and I need it………oh……..about 15 years ago.
The
church loathes addressing this issue.
It’s the elephant in the room that everyone is trying desperately to ignore. Bring this up in a church prayer meeting and
you’ll hear the crickets chirping outside of the building. Broach this subject to your pastor and he’ll
say, “Whoops! I think I hear my wife
calling. Gotta go!” In fact, the only thing anyone at church will
say to you, if they attempt to say anything at all, is this:
“Wait. Wait for marriage. It’s coming.
Just keep on waiting. Just
wait. Wait on the Lord. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a little longer. Don’t stop waiting. God will send you someone…..someday…..somehow….”
The
typical Christian singles book is no better.
Most of them, especially books geared towards women, deftly avoid the
subject of sex, treating it like a non-issue.
Or worse: They will mention the
frustration of not having sex and then, as you wait in anticipation for helpful
advice, they pull what I call the Old Switcheroo.
What starts out as a meaningful discussion on sexual desires morphs into
talk about how to express your female sexuality, more specifically your
femininity. They will then say things
like, “A single woman can express her sexuality in just as many ways as a
married woman can by planting pretty flowers in a garden, singing songs, caring
for small, fluffy animals, baking cookies with colorful sprinkles on
them….”. This is beyond annoying and
it’s usually the point in which I fling such a book across the room in anger
because it hasn’t addressed the real problem.
The real problem – the reason I’m often up all night crying – is not a
lack of knowledge on how to express my femininity. It is the LACK OF SEX. So what’s a Christian single woman to
do? Does God really expect me to go on
without sex day after day, week after week, month after month, year after
frustrating year just because I’m not married?
He
does. And here’s why.
Why Is Sex for Marriage Only?
Contrary
to popular opinion, God is no prude in the sky getting a twisted pleasure out
of denying humans the joys of sex. How
soon we forget it was God who created sex in the first place. God created us male and female with compatible
natures and body parts. God implanted in
each gender an ardent desire for the other – He gave man his desire to pursue
and woman her desire to be pursued. It
was God who made sex intensely pleasurable and satisfying, both physically and
emotionally – that is no accident. God
loves sex in marriage. We know that
intimacy in marriage is a creation God takes great pride in because an entire book
of the Bible, the Song of Solomon, is a portrayal of courtship, romance, sexual
desire, and marriage, including a beautiful and sensual description of the
wedding night as the union is consummated.
The Song of Solomon is a
celebration of marriage – the approach to marriage, the intimacy in marriage, and
the later, more mature stages of marriage.
It is not an allegory of Christ and the Church or of God’s relationship
to Israel. There is no indication in the
text itself to interpret it any other way than as a poetic account of the
courtship and marriage of Solomon and the Shulamite maiden.
God created us male and female for a reason - so that we would desire each other and marry.
In
addition to loving sex in marriage, God is adamant that sex belongs in marriage
only. He demands that the marriage bed
be kept undefiled (Hebrews 13:4) and promises to judge with ultimate severity
the sexually immoral (Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, Ephesians 5:5,
Revelation 21:8). You might be thinking
at this point, “But didn’t Jesus die to forgive us of sexually immorality? Aren’t Christians forgiven of this sin?” Absolutely!
Sexual immorality (defined as any sexual activity outside of the
marriage covenant) is a sin for which we can repent and be forgiven if we put
our trust in Christ and his sacrifice.
But take care that you do not have a blasé view of sexual sin. Do not
think that God is fine with you continuing to commit sexual sin because you
have been forgiven. Our attitude toward
all sin, including sexual sin, should be the same as God’s. He violently abhors it, He cannot overlook
it, and He must punish it. All sexual
sin will be punished either by God crushing His Son on our behalf (accomplished
on the cross) or by us burning in hell, separated from the Lord for all
eternity. If your attitude toward sexual
sin (or any other sin) is that it’s no big deal because Christ died to take the
punishment for sin, you many not truly be saved (1 John 3:9-10, Hebrews
10:26-31, Romans 6:1-4).
The Purpose of
Sex
God
detests sexual sin because He created sex specifically for marriage. In God’s eyes, it has no business outside of
marriage. But why is this? Beyond the obvious reason of procreation,
what is the purpose of sex?
To
find out, we need to go back to the Garden of Eden, back to the scene of the
first marriage. Before Eve is created, God
gives Adam the job of naming all the animals and, through this task, indirectly
makes Adam aware of his need for a suitable mate. The Scriptures say Adam could not find “a
helper fit for him” among the animals (Genesis 2:20). God then puts Adam into a deep sleep, creates
Eve from Adam’s rib, and presents Eve to Adam, instituting the first marriage. Right away, we see that marriage will be
unique among all the human relationships because the two participants, the man
and his wife, “will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). No other human relationship, whether it is parent/child,
friend/friend, boss/employee, sister/brother, or pastor/parishioner, would ever
be a one-flesh relationship. God makes
marriage a one-flesh union, unique among all other human relationships, because
He wants it to be symbolic of the spiritual relationship between Christ and the
church. No other human relationship would
be used as such a model.
But
God also foresees the Fall and the devastating effects of sin on mankind. He wants marriage to be the most intimate and
satisfying of all relationships, lasting a lifetime, but He knows this will prove
extremely difficult for a fallen humanity. Humans are fallible, frail, and full of sinful
inclinations and motives. The married
man and woman are certain to grow apart, hurt one another, push the wrong
buttons, disappoint each other, and become dissatisfied with each other. There will be outside pressures on the
marriage as well – temptations, children, financial hardships, illness, and
distractions in various forms. How could
God insure that marriage would survive all the slings and arrows of everyday
life? How could He insure that a husband
and wife would grow closer and more in love year after year? God’s answer was sex.
It’s
not that sex existed beforehand and God slapped the marriage requirement on it
as an afterthought. Sex was created for
marriage – it is the jewel in the crown of matrimony – and it is a big part of
what makes marriage work. It makes a
lifetime of marital unity feasible for imperfect human beings. Sex is much more than the means of procreation,
much more than mindless entertainment and fleeting pleasure. It heals hurts, salves wounds, knits hearts, provides
fulfillment, creates longing, generates excitement, and draws the man and the
woman together physically and emotionally.
It insures that marriage will have a God-ordained outcome: that the man and woman will become one
flesh.
Our
fallen world thinks that sex is good anywhere, anytime, and in any
context. But sex is only good in
marriage, the only place where it belongs.
Put another way, marriage is the only place where sex functions as God
intended it to. Sex outside of marriage
is always a selfish, individual pursuit of personal pleasure without regard for
anyone else, a corruption and perversion of God’s holy design for sex. Men seek to get as much as they can without
sacrificing their freedom, while women seek to snare men in their traps. Sex outside of marriage is also fraught with grave
consequences. God is so serious about
sex belonging in marriage that he has placed a hedge of protection around
it. Although not widely known, there are
sexually-transmitted diseases that are incurable, some of which cannot be avoided
even by using a condom, making “safe sex” a myth. A married man and woman can engage in sex week
after week, day after day, even several times a day, and never generate a
sexually-transmitted disease between each other. Yet illicit sex creates a plethora of sexual
diseases. Have you ever wondered
why? It’s a God-created physical penalty
for dishonoring the marriage bed.
There
are also long-lasting emotional and spiritual consequences of hopping in and
out of bed with a host of temporary partners; these are wounds that cannot be
cured with medicine or counseling. In
short, sex outside of marriage is a barren wasteland; a parched, dry desert
with no water to refresh you and plenty of mirages to fool you. It often reduces the participants to
dust. The marriage bed, however, is holy
and sanctified by God. It is a verdant
garden flowing with fresh streams to quench the thirst and lush fruit ripe for
the picking. Arguments are resolved or
forgotten, slights are forgiven, hard feelings smoothed over, compromises are
reached, and anger is subsided so sex can continue unhindered. The man is inflamed with desire for his wife,
reaching out to embrace her, to possess her.
The woman responds eagerly to her husband’s outstretched hand, melting to
his tender touch. Marital sex is a
beautiful mystery, more than the sum of its parts, lovingly fashioned by our
Creator (Proverbs 30:18-19).
Sexual
Desire: A Sanctifying Tool?
Another
purpose of sex, specifically the unrelenting desire for sex that most men and
women have, is to drive each of us to marriage. With the exception of the prophet Jeremiah,
God is not in the habit of assigning marriage to some and singleness to others
(this false belief can be traced back to a horrible misinterpretation and misapplication
of 1 Corinthians 7). Nothing proves
God’s intent for almost all people to marry (and that singleness, though
biblically-approved, is the exception, not the rule) like the sex drive. Though it can be corrupted by sin, there is
nothing innately corrupt or sinful about the intense desire for sex. It is God-implanted and, when directed in a
godly way, it greatly increases the desire for godly marriage.
For
the unmarried Christian, sexual desire is also a sanctifying tool, a means in
which God molds a man or woman into the image of Christ, especially as it
relates to their gender. How so? Consider this: if it weren’t for the sex drive, most men
would be perfectly content spending all their free time watching sports on TV,
playing video games, and eating Cheetos….. becoming more unattractive and
unmarry-able every day. In contrast, doing
the things that God wants a man to do – becoming gainfully employed, taking on
responsibilities, sacrificing for others, pursuing a woman and risking
rejection, essentially embracing the qualities of biblical manhood – takes a
lot of concerted effort. Many a man
would be averse to doing it if it weren’t for the very strong incentive of his
sexual needs and desires. Sex is not by
any means the only motivation to be
seen as a godly respectable man suitable for marriage, but it is a very strong
enticement, nearly impossible to ignore.
The same is true for the woman: A
woman could easily eat bonbons and watch soap operas all day, dreaming about
some fantasy Mr. Right if it weren’t for the burning desires within her to be
held and caressed by a real, physical, tangible man. God knew what he was doing when he created
sexual desire.
Our God-given desire for sex draws us out of our self-absorbed world and guards us from being unmarry-able, like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.
Don’t Curb the
Appetite
Now
if you’re like me, though you find the lack of opportunity to have sex frustrating,
you really don’t see it as a difficult sin to avoid. What I mean is I am not really tempted to
engage in a sexual intercourse outside of marriage. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve thought about it
many times. There is, however, no man
banging on my bedroom window every night yelling, “Janice, please, I must have
you! Let me make love to you!” I wish I had that problem. Maybe some of you reading this post do have
that problem. But when the last date you
had was during the Clinton Administration (as I recall it was at least his
second term), there is little to no risk of falling into the temptation of
actually having sex outside of marriage.
Where
the battle rages, where my faith and sexual fidelity is often tried and tested,
is in the mind. And sexual immorality of
the mind is just as sinful as the act.
Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, “Everyone who looks
at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his
heart.” Lust is a very sneaky, tricky
sin – it can take the form of many things that you would not necessarily define
as lust. Adhering to this commandment
means that all lustful fantasies involving someone else’s spouse are out, of
course. But it also means that lustful
fantasies involving those who are single like you are out. And that’s not all. Masturbation is out. Online Porn?
Out. Pay-per-view sex
movies? Out. Sex chat lines? Out.
Sexually-explicit romance novels?
Out.
You
may be thinking, “Okay, this is just too much for me to bear. I can’t take it. I don’t have a spouse right now and I’ve got
to take the edge off somehow. What am I
supposed to do about my needs?” Satan
will try to convince you that these seemingly benign sins are a wise way to
curb your sexual appetite while you wait for a spouse. The problem is they often make a spouse
unnecessary, defeating the purpose for which God gave you those desires in the
first place. These sins also defile you
and damage your relationship with God (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).
Christian
writers and speakers will often say singleness is a calling, and definitely
singleness is a calling for some. But if
singleness is a calling, marriage is a calling as well. It is what I believe I am called to and what
most singles are called to. How do I
know I am called to marriage? The sex
drive. It speaks loud and clear. This desire in our hearts is God-given. Having the desire for sex, wanting to be
united with someone of the opposite sex in marriage, is not spiritual weakness or
a rejection of Jesus. Nowhere in the
Bible (not even in the much-quoted 1 Corinthians 7) is anyone condemned or
rebuked for their desire to be married. It
is how God designed us and it is our free choice to enter into marriage. Furthermore, the Scriptures give no solution
to sexual desire other than marriage. Nowhere in God’s Word will you find instructions
on satisfying sexual desire by singing hymns, “falling in love with Jesus”, or doing
benevolence. Paul said in 1 Corinthians
7:2, “But because of the temptation of sexual immorality, each man should have
his own wife and each woman her own husband.”
Notice he said this was for “each man” and “each woman”, meaning
everyone. This doesn’t mean that
everyone must get married but it does mean that everyone is free to marry if
they choose.
That
is why I continue to hope in marriage, fully expecting God to provide it in His
time. And I pray. Continually.
Without ceasing.
Copyright © 2012
